JOKES I LIKE:

Updated 4/3/07

Long ago I discovered a lump in Ginny’s breast. We were very concerned when they put her on a waiting list for surgery so we talked to our minister, who had been a pastor for a long time, about it.

To comfort us he said, “Kids, I’ve been a pastor for 35 years and when you’ve seen as many lumps in as many breasts as I have, you know most of them are nothing to worry about”.

———

May God bless those who love us.
And for those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts.
And for those whose hearts cannot be turned,
May God turn their ankles
So that we may know them by their limping.

———

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," says one trooper.

"Tell me! Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other, and finally one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 25-pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

———

Bill Gates was killed in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.

Bill was very pleased. "This is great" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says, "That was the screen saver."

———

The head doctor is doing the morning rounds in the teaching hospital with his students in tow. He pauses before a patient and says, "This man limps because his fibula and tibia are badly arched. Bernie, what would you do in a case like this?"

Bernie said, "Yeah, well, um...Yes, I think I'd limp too."

———

A lawyer riding in his limo sees two men along the roadside, eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have money for food," says he. "We have to eat grass."

The lawyer says, "Come home with me and I'll feed you."

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other man, he said, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But, sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me."

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for thinking of all of us."

The lawyer replied, "Think nothing of it. You'll love my place. The grass is at least a foot high."

———

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.

"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl.

"You just change "y" to "i" and add 'es'"

———

"Give me a sentence about a public servant,"  said the teacher.

The boy wrote: "The Fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

Te teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child."

———

So, this guy named Wayne is a painter, and a sly one at that. He discovered that he can make his paint go farther by thinning it with turpentine. And he thinned it a lot.

One day he got a contract from the First Baptist Church to paint their huge edifice. So he got out his scaffolding and began painting away. When he got near the end of the job, there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down. It washed the thinned paint from the church and Wayne slipped to the ground, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne is no fool. He got on his knees and cried out: "Dear God, forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice rang out: "Repaint! And thin no more!"

From old horsetail snake

———

The little girl was sitting in her father's lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eye's off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke, "daddy, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh she said," then "daddy, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a little while ago." "Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now isn't he?"

From Live, Love, Laugh at http://www.sweeterthanever.com/

———

The French cook decided to raise rabbits and sell them to the finer restaurants in Paris. He looked and looked for a site to raise the rabbits but was not successful until an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory.

So he raised a bunch of rabbits and started in selling them. One day a restaurant owner asked where he got such fresh rabbits.

"I raise them myself, near the cathedral," the man replied. "I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."

———

———

A woman is walking down the street and she sees an Indian wearing a necklace made of alligator teeth.

She says, "That's nice. I imagine those mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"No," he says. "Anyone can open an oyster."

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A retiring farmer, in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, he gave a chicken.

He got toward the end of the second street and saw a man out gardening. He asked, "Who's the boss around here?"

The man replied, "I am."

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said. "Which would you prefer?"

The man thought for a minute, and said, "The black one."

The man's wife interrupted. "No, no, get the brown one."

"Here's your chicken," said the farmer.

———

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary.

Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse.

He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, OK."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting.

Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God!"

--- From Pete at http://www.3cephas.blogspot.com/

———

Our grown daughter (oldest of six) asked why we didn’t drown them all in a tub and Ginny said, “Every time we tried, some other kid would interrupt us”.

———

                    

Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin. God lifts you up, takes you in,
and washes all the dirt off of you. He opens you up, touches you deep inside
and scoops out all the yucky stuff-- including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed,
etc. Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside you
to shine for all the world to see.

———

 

FBI Job Application .

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists -- two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a metal folding chair. Go in there and shoot Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never kill my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I looked into her big brown eyes and I just couldn’t do it. I just can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to go in and shoot her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another.

The agent heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with that folding chair."

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Engineering Job Application:

Bubba applied for an engineering position. A Yankee applied for the same job.

Both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Florida and me being a good ole Southern Cracker boy, I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this, on question #4 the Yankee put down "I don't know.".....And you put down, "Neither do I."

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Another Florida Cracker Joke:

During our recent family vacation we got to talking about old Florida Cracker tales and I remembered one of my favorites:

   Jessie had this pit bull that he’d take to the dog fights. And ol’ Cubie would just tear up any other dog in the pit. Jessie was right fierce proud of that dog.

   So one day he goes awalkin’ in the park and meets up with this fellow with a little low-squat ugly yellar dog on a lease. So Jessie sets his pit bull on this little yellow dog just to show off. And that little dog opens its mouth wide and just eats the pit bull up in one bite.

   Dumbfounded, Jessie says “What the hell kind of dawg is that?”

   The fellow says, “Well, before I cut his tail short and painted him yellow, he was an alligator”.

.--------------------------------------------

Wes sent me this church note:

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offering. "Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you we are but dust... "

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

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A Joke From Barbara:

A family wanted to tour all the sites in Russia. They visited the Hermitage, Chernobyl, the Kremlin and all sorts of other places.

Then they went to the Tomb of Lenin. A sign in front announced Closed Today.

They asked a guard out front who told them the famous tomb is closed one day each year for cleaning.

“But this is our last day in Russia. We have to fly back tomorrow morning and we don’t want to miss theis famos site. Can’t you let us peek inside?’

The guard remained adamant in refusing entry.

“But this is so famous and we have to leave tomorrow. Why won’t you let us in for just a moment?

“In Russia,” the guard announced, “We do not wash our dirty Lenin in public”.

--------------------------

That brings us to five winners in the International Pun Contest (e-mailed to me by Carol):

 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

 

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the  craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have  your kayak and heat it too.

4. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was  unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

  He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug  in town to "persuade" them to close.

  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

5. Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time,  which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 

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Insider Joke For Physicists:

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The barmaid slides a frosty glass down the counter to him.

He takes out his billfold and asks, “How much do I own you”?

She says, “For neutrons there’s no charge”.

-------------------

Here's another one:

Two neutrons are talking when one says, "I think I've lost an electron".

The other ones says, "Are you sure"?

"Yes. I'm positive".

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Why I Love Jacksonville:

A photographer decided to do a photo essay book featuring beautiful churches around the country. He planned to start in San Francisco, and work east from there.

In the first church he went to, he photographed the stained glass windows, the gleaming organ pipes and the marble columns. As he worked, he spotted a golden  pay telephone on the vestibule wall beside a sign which said, “Direct Line To Heaven: $5,000 per minute".

              As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, Boston, New York, Richmond,  and on around the United States, in every church he found more golden pay phones with the same sign: “Direct Line To Heaven: $5,000 per minute”.

Finally, he got to Jacksonville to take pictures of the churches here.

In the first church he went in he saw the usual golden  payphone. But this time, the sign read: "Direct Line To Heaven -- 50 cents per call".

Fascinated, the man spoke with the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden pay phone, this direct line to Heaven, but in all the other churches, the sign says $5,000 per minute. Your sign only says 50 cents per call Why is that?”

The pastor said, "Son, you're in Florida now -- It's a local call”.

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 Laurel and Hardy made many films in Jacksonville and established a home in the Springfield section.

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Call 911

A 911 operator gets a frantic call from a cell phone:

The panicked caller says, “Me and Bubba, we’re out here next to the swamp hunting. Bubba just grabs his chest and falls on the ground. He ain’t breathing none. His eyes is rolled clear back in his head. I think he’s dead. Yep, I think Bubba's dead! What should I do? What should I do”?

"The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions.. First, let's make sure he's dead."

“OK”.

There is a silence...

And then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, I’m sure. Now what do I do?"

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Jacksonville Super Bowl

Last February during the Super Bowl game in Jacksonville, Florida, an avid fan managed to land a ticket way up in the top of the stadium, traditionally called the Nosebleed Section. As he watched the game through his binoculars, he noticed a choice, 50-yard-line seat, far below him in the packed, sold-out stands.

 The seat was empty.

The game continued through the first quarter and that seat remained empty surrounded by thousands of cheering fans.

He made his way down to that choice section and asked the lady sitting by the empty seat if he could sit there since it was not being used.

“O sure,” she said. “That seat was for my husband. He was a great football fan and bought our tickets but he’s recently deceased so nobody is sitting there”.

“Wouldn’t any of your relatives come to the game with you”?

“I suppose they would have but they’re all at the funeral”.

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Words of Wisdom from Sportscasters:

Murray Walker: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

Greg Norman: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Alan Minter: "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing -- but none of them serious."

Terry Venables: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"

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Helping Hand

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a young boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's unsuccessful efforts for some time, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The young boy replies, "Now we run!"

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Along For The Ride

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.

The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.

"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."

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Overcoming Insanity...

Jim and Mary were both long time patients at the Betty Frodo Insane Asylum. Their psychiatrist had felt that they were both well on their way on the road to recovery... But, one day, while they were walking past the asylum swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped off the deep end. Not being able to swim, he quickly sunk to the bottom like a brick and stayed there.

Mary, being a quite proficient swimmer, promptly jumped in to save him. She quickly swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the asylum, as he now considered her to be fully cured and mentally stable.

The next day, after the release papers had been processed, he went to tell Mary the news, he said; "Mary, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient. I feel completely confident that you've regained your senses..."

The doctor bowed his head in sympathy and then said; "The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his belt tied to the shower head last night. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary, looking puzzled, replied; "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

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Ice fishing Blonde

 

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

 For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.  She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

 When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

 Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.  Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

 Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice.

Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so.  Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"

 Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"

 The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"

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Bosses just aren't any fun...

A secretary, a paralegal and their boss, a partner in a city law firm, are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone...

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone..

"You're next," the Genie says to their boss.

The boss says, "I want those two right back in the office by 1 o’clock"!

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              Think About It:

              Late one night the French philosopher Rene Descartes, who taught his ideas about existence (Cogito ergo sum)  to Queen Christina of Sweden, was in a tavern drinking.

As closing time neared the barkeep said, “Ah, Master Descartes, do you want one more for the road”?

Descartes said, “O, I think not”. And immediately vanished.

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Pretend Marriage…..

A priest and a young nun were lost in a terrible snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted and chilled to the bone, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.

Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said, "Father, I'm cold."

Grumbling under his breath, the priest unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got a blanket and put it over her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep...

Just then, the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."

He unzipped the bag, got up, put another blanket on her and got back into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he just remained where he was and said, "Sister, I have a great idea. We're out here alone in the wilderness. No one knows where we are. No one will ever know what happens here. What do you say -- Let's just pretend that we're married."

The nun hesitated, then said, “Well… OK…That's fine by me."

“Good,” the priest yelled, "Then get up and get your own damn blanket!"

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Parrot Joke:

There was this quiet, conservative man who happened to own a parrot.

Unfortunately for the man, this parrot swore like a sailor. He would swear for five minutes straight without stopping.

One day, it just got to be too much. The guy grabbed the bird by the neck, shook him really hard, and yelled "QUIT IT!" But this just made the bird mad and he would start swearing even more.

The guy finally got fed up and said, "OK for you" and locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This only aggravated the parrot who continued to claw and scratch the cabinet while he cursed even louder than before with a stream of swearing that would make a sailor blush.

At that point the guy became so mad that he threw the parrot into the freezer!

For the first few seconds the bird started swearing at the top of his lungs. He kicked and clawed and thrashed all about the place.

Then it suddenly became VERY quiet. At first the guy just waited. After a couple of minutes of silence, he became so worried that he opened the freezer door. The bird calmly climbed on the man's out-stretched arm and said, "I sincerely apologize and shall do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation that had come over the parrot.

Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

This joke and the next two came from Ro’s Nameless Webpage at http://www.ro.marsh.dsl.pipex.com/

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Airplane in trouble:

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take the last parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

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Drunk Driver:

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Its easy. Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

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Six Again


A husband asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still going to be wrong.

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Why Me?

“Some days you’re the pigeon…

                                              Some days you’re the statue”

--- Dave Scott,   96.9 Cool FM

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Liars in School:

              When school started again, the teacher asked the kids that age-old question, “What did you do during summer vacation”?

              When it came Johnny’s turn to tell the class he said, “My Dad took me and my dog fishing. We drove to a lake 15 miles from here. I caught 15 fish in 15 minutes and every one of them was exactly 15 inches long”.

              The teacher said, “Johnny, you know better than to lie in class. I’m marching you right down to the Principal’s office”

              Teacher explained the situation to the principal. “We can’t have him lying in class all the time,” she said.

              The Principal decided to teach Johnny a lesson in truthfulness.

              “Johnny,” he said, “Guess what I did during the summer. I went out in the woods hunting. I saw this squirrel up in a tree and shot at it. The bullet missed the squirrel but hit a big hornet’s nest. The hornet’s nest fell straight down onto an eight-point buck that was under the tree. The hornets swarmed out and stung the buck so it ran so hard that it smashed it’s head into another tree and knocked itself out. I was just going over to get it when this huge grizzly bear came out of the bushes and started to nuzzle my deer. When it saw me it reared up, fangs and claws flashing. I thought I was a goner. But just then a little cocker spaniel dog, all black with a white spot on it’s head, came tearing up and attacked that bear and killed it! … Do you believe that?”

              “Yes sir I do, ‘cause that was my dog Spot and that’s the 15th bear he’s killed this summer”.

-- Thanks to Fred for this one

Tell me Daddy…

              One Saturday the pastor was out in the garage fiddling with an old car he was restoring when his little daughter came out of the house.

              “Tell me, Daddy, what does sex mean,” she asked.

              The question caught him by surprise but he figured that if she was old enough to ask, then she’s old enough to know.

So he did his best to explain about Adam and Eve, birds and the bees, tab A and slot B, abstinence, marriage and how babies grow in the womb.

The child’s eyes grew large and his explanation rambled on and on.

“Does that explain it, Honey,” he asked.

              “I’m not sure what it means,” she said. “ But Mommy said for me to come out to the garage and tell you to wash your hands because lunch will be ready in about 30 secs”.

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Church Unity:

              A ship cruising far off the shipping lanes in the South Pacific notices a signal fire on an uncharted island. The captain puts a boat over the side and the crew goes to investigate.

They find a shipwreck survivor alone on the tropic island. He is shaggy, unshaven, and nearly naked except for a scrap of cloth around his waist. The survivor is overjoyed at seeing his rescuers. “I’ve prayed and prayed that someone would come but no one ever saw my signal fire before. I’ve been stranded alone on this island for seven years”.

The captain asked, “How have you survived”?

The shipwrecked man told about eating berries and bananas and coconuts, about catching crabs in the lagoon, about rubbing sticks together to make fire.

As the man showed the ship crew around his primitive camp, the Captain noticed three huts made of sticks woven together and thatched with palm fronds. “What are these,” he asked.

The shipwrecked man pointed to the larger grass hut and said, “I build this one to live in so I could be warm and dry during the tropical rains every afternoon”.

“What about that one,” the captain asked.

“O, I wanted a special place to  worship and pray; that’s my church”.

“What’s the third hut for”?

“Well, a couple of years ago there was a squabble and the church split”.

Remember your physics?

If a man stands all alone in the middle of a deep forest and says anything….
 Since there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

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Jonah and the Whale...

There was this sweet little old Christian lady who was an accountant by profession and had to do a lot of traveling by air for her business. But flying made her quite nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped her to relax.

One time she was sitting next to a man who saw her pull out her Bible. He gave a little chuckle and then went back to his girly magazine.

After awhile he turned to her and asked: "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied: "Of course I do, it is the Bible."

He smiled: "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied: "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that -- it is in the Bible.

He asked: "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time he spent inside the whale?"

The lady said: "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I’ll ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man smiled, sarcastically.

The little old lady smiled back: "In that case, you can ask him."

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Care to repeat that?...

The Brooklyn Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job: Using Mafia reasoning, they figured if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up well over $50,000. Foolishly, he gets greedy and decides to keep the money. He then stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection money is late. The godfather then sends a couple of his toughest hoods after the deaf collector. When the hoods find the deaf collector they ask him where the money is.

The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the hoodlums drag the guy to a local Brooklyn interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says, he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hoodlum pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter turns to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about. And, he also said, he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!"

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Intelligent Life Forms...

In the waiting room for intensive care ward of the hospital, the relatives sat grieving for their family member who lay gravely ill just down the hall from them.

Finally, the doctor, looking tired and somber, entered the room.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," the doctor said, as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a complete brain transplant. Obviously, it is an experimental procedure and somewhat risky. The other problem is that it is not covered by your medical insurance company. You will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor responded: "$5,000.00 for a male brain, and $200.00 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women -- but some actually smirked. A young cousin unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence, as he turned to the entire group and said: "It's just standard medical pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains -- because they've been used."

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The Deep Hole

              Two guys were out hunting in central Florida’s sinkhole country. In the woods near the edge of a field they came across a deep hole in the ground.

              It was so deep they could not see the bottom, so they threw in a rock and listened to hear it hit… Not a sound.

              They tried a bigger rock.

              Over the edge. It disappeared in the darkness without a sound.

              They wanted to try something bigger, so they lugged over an old railroad tie from the edge of the field and toppled it into the deep hole. Down it went. They still could not hear it hit bottom.

              But, as they stood on the edge looking down, they heard a crashing noise in the woods behind them. This goat came dashing through the bushes. Lickety-split, it ran to the edge of the deep hole and leaped.

Down, down, down it sailed and disappeared out of sight.

              This behavior amazed the hunters. They’d never seen an animal act like that before. They picked up their rifles and headed back to where their pickup was parked.

              As they crossed the field they met the farmer who said, “You fellows seen my goat back there in the woods? I know he cain’t have got very far ‘cause I had him just over yonder tethered on a long chain hooked to a railroad tie”.

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A SENSE OF HISTORY

Some antique furnishings in the Episcopal Church Of The Good Shepherd, Jacksonville, Florida, date back to the congregation's founding in 1870. The present church building features stained glass windows, Tudor arches and delicate wood carvings in the Gothic Revival style of architecture popular in the 1920s. Many marble plaques and bronze memorials in the historic building honor former outstanding members of the congregation.

A glass case near the altar displays a memorial flag with embroidered stars commemorating church members who died in battle during the great World Wars.

Recently a boy in one of the church's youth choirs noticed this glass case and its flag during choir practice. He asked his mother what the flag stood for and she explained that it contained a star for each church member who was killed in the service.

The boy grew round-eyed as he asked, "The Eight O'clock service, or the Ten O'clock service"?

Thanks to Pastor Jim Dannals for telling me this one.

A dachshund in the jungle

A dachshund sat in the jungle looking over a pool of water when he saw a hungry leopard approaching. Thinking fast the little dog dunked his muzzle in the pool, raised up shaking  water droplets off and said, “Boy, that was a great leopard I just ate, but it made me thirsty”.

When the leopard heard this he backed off thinking, That little dog must be tougher than he looks. I’d better find something else to eat.

A monkey in the treetop saw this happen and decided to get rid of the dachshund for good. The monkey called down to the leopard, “Well, that dachshund certainly made a fool out of you. He did not eat a leopard. He just dipped his jaws in the pool, then said that to trick you. And he sure made you look silly”.

 This made the leopard angry. “I’m going to tear that no good yapping little dog to bits,” he said. “Monkey, if you want to watch just climb on my back and we’ll go get him”. So the monkey got on the big cat’s back and off they went to the pool.

The dachshund saw the pair coming down the jungle trail to the waterhole. Ut O, I’m in big trouble now, he thought. What am I going to do?

              Quickly the little dog turned his back to the trail and sat looking out over the water. “Where the heck is that darn monkey,” he said loudly, “I told him to bring me another leopard; I’m still hungry”.

Sweater Girl

A policeman on patrol saw the car ahead weaving and he decided to check it out. He flashed his lights but the car ahead kept going. The officer turned on his siren but the old lady driver paid no attention and kept weaving back and forth across the traffic lane.

The officer drew up along side her car and saw that the lady was knitting as she drove. She appeared engrossed in her work holding two knitting needles in her hands and steering the car with her elbows.

He shouted across to her car, “Pull Over! Pull over!”

She glanced up in surprise when she heard him and yelled back, “No, Dear, it’s a cardigan”.

Thanks to Barbara for the above two jokes.

Achoooo

              The graduating class walked in tandem, each of the 93 students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With rich maroon gowns flowing and their traditional caps, they looked as grownup and they felt.

              Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles and moms freely brushed away tears.

              The class would not pray during the commencement ceremony – not by their choice but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it. The Principal and several speakers were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational talks but not one mentioned divine guidance. And no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.

              The speeches were nice but routine … until the final student received a standing ovation.

              This student walked to the microphone. He stood still and silent for a moment.

              And then on signal the entire graduating class, all 93 of them, suddenly sneezed.

The student leader looked over the audience and said, “God bless you, every single one of you”.

As he walked away from the podium, the entire audience exploded in applause.

Thanks to Judy for this one

When you can’t read:

                 Dad Bought a swing set from K-Mart complete with sliding board, gym rings and monkey bars. He carefully read the instructions (which may have been translated into English from the original Japanese) and tried to assemble the thing step by step. After hours of frustration and bad language, he gave up and called on the school janitor for help.

                 First thing the old janitor threw the instructions in the trash. He laid out the parts and in no time had the swing set put together just like the picture on the box.

                 “How could you do that without even reading the instructions?” the amazed father asked.

                 “Well, Sir,” the janitor said, “When you cain’t read, you got to think”.

Profit Margin

                 The pharmacist filled the prescription and handed the nearly-deaf old man the bottle of pills saying, “That’ll be $16.50”.

                 Just then the drug store phone rang and the pharmacist answered.

                 As he did, the old man placed 50 cents on the counter and walked out of the store with his prescription.

                 The clerk realized the mistake and shouted but the old man did not hear and kept walking.

                 When the pharmacist finished his call the clerk explained what had happened. The pharmacist scooped up the 50 cents and put it in the cash register. He said to the clerk, “Oh well, 30 cents profit is better than nothing”.

Ever Think of The Hereafter?

                 Two elderly ladies sat in rocking chairs on the nursing home porch.

                 “Maude,” said one, “Do you ever think about the hereafter?”

                 “All the time. All the time. I walk into a room, look around and say, ‘Now what did I come in here after?’”

Culture Shock:

                 When my daughter was a teenager, our family worshiped at the Episcopal Church of the Good Shepherd, a neo-gothic structure built in the 1920s with dozens of stained glass windows, huge stone columns, vaulted ceilings, organ pipes, and lavishly carved altar screens.

                 Jennifer began dating a schoolboy friend who had always worshiped at his parents’ Baptist church. But one Sunday he wanted to attend with us in order to be with her (we get lots of converts that way).

                 When we walked through the arched front doors of Good Shepherd, Tommy stopped stunned. He seemed scared to turn his head but his eyes rolled right and left taking in the sanctuary.

                 “Mr. Cowart,” he whispered. “Mr. Cowart, do y’all have a hunchback in here”?

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Frog Sounds:

                 Joey climbed into his grandmother’s lay as she sat in her rocking chair.

                 “GrandMa,” he said, “Would you make a noise like a frog?”

                 “What?”

                 “Can you please, please, please make a noise like a frog?”

                 “Well. Ok,” she said and made the best frog sound she could, “Rigget. Rigget. Rigget.”

                 Joey cackled with delight.

                 “What makes you so happy,” GrandMa asked.

                 “Cause I heard Mama and Daddy talking and they said that when you croak, we’ll go to Disneyland”.

Thanks to Janie at Pat & Mike’s Restaurant for that one.

Racing Snail

              There was once a snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver. One day he won Lotto. Now his dream could be realized! He bought himself a car, souped it up, and  painted a large red "S" on it.  At his first race, a friend asked why he had painted the big red "S" on the car?

              “Simple,” the snail replied, “When people see my car go zooming down the track I want them all to exclaim: Oh look!! See the S car go!”

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Three More:

              The elderly woman accidentally dropped her handkerchief as she put some coins into the beggar's cup. He gallantly stooped to pick it up. "Why you're not blind!" she exclaimed. "No," he said, "I'm working for my brother. It's his day off."

              Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief said. "Thanks," his friend said. "I'm gonna miss her."

              I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

Wild West:

              I used to live in Wyoming, in a small town called Frontier. Needless to say, there wasn't much to do besides drink in a local bar called the Frontier Bar. One day, me and my mining buddies were tossing down a few cool ones, and a dog walks in, walks up to the bar and says,  "Gimme a beer".

              Evidently this type of thing isn't too rare in Wyoming, because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here."

              The dog then took out a dollar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer."

              This scene had the potential to get ugly.

              The bartender said one more time, "We do not serve dogs here.  Please leave."
              The dog growled, and then the bartender pulled out a gun and shot the dog in the foot.  The dog yelped, and ran out the door. The next day, I happened to be in the same establishment, and we were again drinking a few beers. Then, the swinging bar doors were tossed open, and in walks the dog we saw the day before.  

              He was dressed all in black. A black cowboy hat, a black vest, three black cowboy boots and one black bandage.  The dog looks around, waits for the talking to quiet down, and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

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Touché!

              "You should be ashamed," the father told his son, "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school." "Really?" the kid said.  "Well when he was your age, he was president."

The above four jokes come from David Pye’s wonderful and helpful web site found at www.davicpye.com

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Squirrels in church:

              A bumper crop of squirrels overran the town.

              They ate every nut on every tree and even invaded the churches disturbing the services.

               In addressing the problem the Catholic church decided that since St. Francis taught that all animals are our brothers, the squirrels should have the run of the church and people would just have to put up with them.

              The Baptist church called a congregational meeting and decided to drain the baptistery and build a plywood cover over it so the squirrels would not drown.

              The Episcopal church baptized the squirrels, confirmed them, and made them full members. Now, as typical Episcopalians the squirrels only come to the church on Christmas and Easter.

Thanks to Jennifer for this one.

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Talking Dog:

A guy goes into a bar with a dog and bets the bartender the dog can talk.

The bartender demands a demonstration.

The owner asks, “What do you call the top of a house”?

The dog says, “Roof. Roof”.

The owner says, “How does sandpaper feel”?

The dog says, “Rough. Rough”.

Third question, “Who was the greatest baseball player”?

The dog replies, “Ruth. Ruth”.

Irate the bartender kicks the pair out.

As they walk away the dog looks at the owner and says, “He really got mad. I should have said Joe DiMaggio”?

Thanks to Virginia for that one.

20 RIDDLES FROM DONALD:1. How Do You Catch an Unique Rabbit?Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water?You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?Polaroids 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?A Stick. 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?Quatro Sinko.. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?Spoiled Milk.. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?Sanka. 18. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 19. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 20. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

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In Metric Units:

              If a telephone wire stretches from here to St. Augustine is divided into four sections and on the first stretch of wire sit 500 mockingbirds, and on the second section sit another 500, and on the third another 500, and on the forth still another 500 -- then in metric units, how many mockingbirds are there?

              Two Killamockingbirds!

Ghostly Photo:

An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred years.  Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark until midnight when the apparition became visible.

 The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot.  The happy photographer popped a bulb into his camera and took the picture. After dashing into his studio, the photographer developed the negative and groaned.  It was underexposed and completely blank.  The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

The Bear Truth

Two tourists, a Pole and Czechoslovakian, were visiting Yellowstone National Park. Their first night, two huge bears wandered into their campsite and ate the two hapless tourists.

The park rangers set out immediately to find these killer bears. Finally, they shot two bears, a male and a female, which they thought might have been responsible.

"What do you think we ought to do with them?" asked the first ranger.

 "Well," the second ranger replied, "I figure we should cut the bears open. If we find the people inside, we know we've got our killer bears."

 Whereupon, the first ranger began to cut the female bear, and sure enough he found the remains of the Pole.

 "Any luck?" he called out to his partner.

"Yep," said the other. "The Czech is in the male."

Big Moose

Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian Rockies to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please."
      A week later, when he returned to the lake, the pilot found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose.  "I told you guys only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!" "You're just a chicken," one hunter said.
     "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off," said the other hunter. Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered. "Alright, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it."
     So they loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness.
     "Where are we?" one asked.  His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake, and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards further than last year."

It’s My Deer

A man took his wife deer hunting, they decided to split up to improve their chances of finding a deer. The man explained to his wife that the woods were full of dishonest hunters who might try to claim her deer if she managed to kill one. In case this happened, she should fire her rifle into the air three times to summon him for assistance.

They went their separate ways, and soon he heard a shot, followed by three quick shots. He followed the direction of the sound, and found his wife holding a man at gunpoint.

She said "It was just like you told me, I killed this deer fair and square and this man says its his."

The husband pointed his rifle at the stranger, who placed his hands in the air and said "She's welcome to keep it, but I would like to get my saddle back."

Tough Puzzle
   On a shopping trip to Green Bay, the "Big City," a yupper bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished. "Look what I done, Ole," he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.
"That's surely somethin', Sven. How long it take you?"
"Only two weeks," replied Sven.
"Never done a puzzle myself," Ole said, "Is two weeks fast?"
"Darn tootin'," Sven said, "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four years' ..."

The above four jokes come from David Pye’s wonderful and helpful web site found at www.davicpye.com

One Good Deed

              Melvin, an accountant, appeared at the pearly gates to be admitted. The Recording Angel leafs through his Big Book to check Melvin’s name.

              The Angel studied the book several times, furrowed his brow and said: "Melvin, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life. But, then again, you never did anything really bad either. Tell you what I'll do, if you can tell me of just one really good deed you did during your lifetime, you're in."

              Melvin thought for a moment and said, "Well, once I was driving down the highway and I saw this biker gang assaulting a poor young girl. I slowed down to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them torturing this girl.

              "I slammed on breaks and jumped out of my car. I walked straight up to the leader of the pack, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a bicycle chain in his hand. When I walked up to this guy, the whole gang circled me.

              "So, I yelled, “Leave this innocent girl alone! You're all just a bunch of sick, sex crazed, deranged animals! Go home before I have to teach all of you lesson. I know karate."

              Impressed, the angel said: "Really? That's wonderful! But, I don’t see a thing about it in the book. Hum… When did all this happen?"

"Oh,” Melvin said, “About five minutes ago."

A Date With George: 

                 Over a cup of tea two elderly ladies chatted.

                 “Mr. Mathews has asked me to go out with him Friday night and I don’t know whether or not to accept.  I know you went out with him once; how did it go”

                 “Well I wore my best dress, that blue one with the snug bodice,  and a simple string of pearls.  He arrived to pick me up on time in a chauffeur driven limousine. He brought me a bouquet and a box of Lady Godivia Chocolates, a two pound box mind you. We went to Chez Michele where he ordered for us both in French; he speaks it fluently. He ordered their finest wine and after dining we danced then went for a stroll in the moonlight along the seawall.”

                 “How romantic! He sounds like a perfect gentleman”.

                 He was until we got back in the limousine. On the way home he turned into an animal. He ripped my blue dress to shreds and tore off my undergarments and had his wicked way with me. Twice!”

                 “O dear. So you’re saying I should not go out with him”.

                 “No. What I’m saying is for you to wear an old dress”.

…  Contributed by Barbara White

A Living Saint

                 George and Joe, twin brothers, tried to outdo each other in being mean, evil, conniving, sorry, wicked men.

They cheated on their wives. They embezzled from their business partners. They foreclosed on widows and orphans. They corrupted young people. They bribed building inspectors. They never left tips for waitresses. They aggravated neighbors with frivolous law suits. They made life harder than it needs to be for everyone they met.

Then Joe died.

Now George had little use for religion but he got the notion that he wanted his brother buried from a church.

He went to the pastor of a small struggling church and said, “You know who I am? You know about my brother’s heart attack”.

“Yes. Everybody in town knows the two of you”.

“You willing to burry Joe from your church”?

“Yes I am. All men deserve a decent funeral”.

“I got little use for religion,” George said, “But I’ll tell you what. When you preach Joe’s funeral, I want you to say these exact words – ‘Joe was a living saint’! If you’ll say them exact words, then I’ll hand you a check for $10,000 for your building fund; But if you don’t say them exact words – Joe was a living saint – then I won’t give you nothing”.

The preacher thought it over and agreed.

“I thought you would,” George said. “You preachers go around acting holier than anybody else, but when it comes to money, you’re all moneygrubbers. But just to make sure you don’t go back on your word, I’m gonna tell everybody in town about our deal – you’re going to stand right behind that pulpit and say, Joe was a living saint”.

Well, George spread the word. He told the guys at the barbershop, the ladies at the supermarket, everybody everywhere, that for $10.000 that hypocrite preacher was going to say, “Joe was a living saint”.

Come the day of the funeral the whole town turned out to see if the preacher would really do it.

The minister entered the pulpit and said, “Friends, you all know how Joe lived. He cheated on his wife. He embezzled from his business partners. He foreclosed on widows and orphans. He corrupted young people. He bribed building inspectors. He never left tips for waitresses. He aggravated neighbors with frivolous law suits. He made life harder than it needs to be for everyone he met.

We all know Joe was a mean, evil, conniving, sorry, wicked man. But, compared to his brother, Joe was……

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Dead Bird Bill

                 A distraught woman rushed into the veterinarian’s office clutching a parrot and demanding to know what was wrong with it. An old dog, a black Labrador, sat in the corner of the exam room while an old calico cat napped on top of a file drawer.

                 “I’m sorry, ma’am but your bird has expired,” the vet said.

                 “No!” the woman shouted. “He can’t be dead. Can’t you do some tests?”

                 The old dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. Then it looked at the vet, shook its head and sat back down in the corner.

                 The vet reached on top of the file drawer and picked up the cat and placed it on the exam table. The cat sniffed delicately at the bird, gingerly pawed its feathers, meowed, shook its head, leaped down from the table and returned to the top of the filing cabinet to curl back into its nap.

                 The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry but your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead. He turned to his computer terminal, tapped a few keys and printed out a bill and handed it to the lady.

                 Shocked the woman cried, “$150! $150 just to tell me my Polly is dead!”

                 The vet shrugged, “If you had taken my word for it in the first place, your bill would only be $20 but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan….”

Medical Progress:

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

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Coffee

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the
top of several pages, that it indeed says ............."HEBREWS"

…….Contributed by Carol Douglass

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bizarre Murder recorded in my journal

Monday, November 11,1991:

              Kids were out of school today for Veterans' Day.

              I slept almost ten hours.

              Donald says while we were gone (out of town for a couple of days) there were several murders in Jacksonville. Young women killed and their bodies left in their bathtubs.

              He said police are baffled because the bodies have been soaked in gallons of milk and covered with cut-up fruit.

              Donald said, "Police officials think its the work of  a cereal killer."

              Donald tells terrible jokes.

Farmer Joe’s Accident

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for details," interrupted the lawyer. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie in the trailer and was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted and said, "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the State Trooper that he was just fine. Now, several months later, he's suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please instruct him to just answer 'Yes' or 'No.'"
But the judge said, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about Bessie."
Farmer Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the road, when this big truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked into the side of my truck. I was thrown in one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move, but I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I could tell she was in bad shape by her groans. A trooper came on the scene. He heard Bessie and checked on her. He looked at her, pulled out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
”Then he crossed the road with his gun in hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape, I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

Talking Dog

            A guy walking down the street say a sign hand-printed on a piece of cardboard saying TALKING DOG FOR SALE. He knocked on the door and asked about the sign. The owner said, “Sure you can see him. He’s on the back porch”.

He went out back and there lay a big yellow dog in the sun. “I understand you can talk,” he said. “Yep,” the dog replied.

“Well, what’s your story”?

“I discovered my gift when I was just a puppy,” the dog said. “Feeling this could be of great value, I offered my services to the government. They assigned me to the diplomatic corps. I traveled to Istanbul, Bosnia, Paris, Rio – anywhere they wanted me to lay in a room when the American negotiators went outside. The opposition would talk freely thinking there was only a regular dog in the room. I’d learn all their secrets then pas the information along to the CIA. When that got tiring, I moved to airport security where I passed for a guide dog and ease dropped on conversations between suspicious characters; I short circuited many hijack plans and smuggling activities that way. But that became too dangerous so I retired, got married and raised several litters of puppies”.

“That’s amazing”! exclaimed the man.

He rushed inside to buy the dog.

“How much do you want for it”? he asked the owner.

“How about ten dollars/?

“Ten dollars! Only ten dollars. Why are you selling such a wonderful animal so cheap”?

 “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that stuff”!

Carpet Layer

            The workman installing wall-to-wall carpet in a home had just finished tacking down the edges or the rug and replacing the molding around the room. He noticed a small lump beneath the carpet in the corner of the room. Patting his shirt pocket, he said, “Darn. My pack of cigarettes must have dropped out. I’ll have to rip out all the tacks and peel back the rug and…”

Wait just a minute here, he thought. No I won’t have to redo all that work.

He reached in his tool box and pulled out a length of 2X4. He pounded the lump down flat and smoothed out the place, rubbing the 2X4 back and forth over the spot.

Satisfied he packed up his gear and returned to his truck in the drive. As he put his tools away he noticed his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard.

As he tapped one out of the pack, the lady of the house came out saying, “Oh Driver, have you seen my canary? She got out of her cage”.

Bible Quiz

            Three ladies died and appeared at the Pearly Gates. The Recording Angel greeted them saying, “Welcome to Heaven. But before I can let you inside, you have to pass a quiz on your knowledge of the Bible. It’s easy, only one question for each of you. Ready?”

The ladies nodded so the Angel asked the first woman, “What was the name of the first man”?

“Oh, that’s an easy one,” she said, “His name was Adam”.

And the trumpets blew, and the angels sang, and the saints cheered, and the gates swung open, and she marched into Heaven.

The Angel asked the second woman, “Ready for your question? What was the name of the first woman”?

“Oh, that’s easy; her name was Eve,” she said.

And the trumpets blew, and the angels sang, and the saints cheered, and the gates swung open, and she marched into Heaven.

The last lady felt apprehensive, “I wish I’d have paid more attention in Sunday School,” she said. “But go ahead and ask your question”.

The Angel said, “What were the first words Eve said when she saw Adam?’

The woman wrung her hands and said, “Oh my goodness. That’s a hard one”.

And the trumpets blew, and the angels sang, and the saints cheered, and the gates swung open, ….

Dead Healthcare Professionals

Three healthcare professionals, an ophthalmologist, a cardiologist, and the chief executive officer of a health maintenance organization, a died in an accident and appeared at the Pearly Gates. The Admitting Angel greeted them saying, “Welcome, gentlemen. Welcome! I’m glad to see you here. But before I can admit you, each must give an account of his life and reasons you should get into Heaven. Who wants to start?”

            The first man spoke up. “I was an ophthalmologist. I helped people better see the glories of God’s creation.”

“That’s wonderful,” exclaimed the Angel. “That’s really something. You go right on inside”.

The second man said, “In life I was a cardiologist. I repaired weak hearts, extended people’s lives, I even did a few heart transplants greatly improving my patients’ quality of life”.

“That’s wonderful. How impressive,” said the Angel. “You go right on inside. Now, what about you?

“I was the CEO of an HMO. In my executive capacity I helped provide low-cost health care for thousands of clients who might not have otherwise had access to hospital care. At the same time I provided optimum profits for our shareholders”.

“That’s wonderful,” exclaimed the Angel. ”You go right on inside… But…”

“BUT! What do you mean But’” demanded the CEO.

 “Well, you are admitted to Heaven, but you’re only allowed to stay for three days”.


Miss Potato To Marry
As Mr. and Mrs. Potato dined with their three daughters, the eldest daughter announced, “I’m engaged to marry”!
“Who’s the lucky guy,” her father asked.
“Idaho Potato proposed to me last night,” she said blushing.
“How wonderful,” said her mother. “The Idaho potatoes are a distinguished family known all over the world for their fine taste. You’ve made a good match”.
Not to be outdone, the middle daughter announced, “I’m engaged too”.
“To whom?” her mother asked.
“Georgia Sweet Potato proposed to me and we plan to marry in June”.
“O Sweetheart, that’s wonderful,” Mr. Potato said. “The Georgia Sweet Taters are an old aristocratic family, true Southern nobility. He’s quite a catch for you. I’m proud of you.
Shyly the youngest Potato daughter spoke up, “I’m going to be married too”.
This news exciter her mother even more, “Who proposed?”
“I’m going to marry Dan Rather of CBS News’” the girl said.
“NEVER!” shouted her father pounding his fist on the table.
“O Dear! How could you even think of such a thing,” her mother said weeping into her napkin.
“But, Mom. Dad. Why? Why do you oppose our marriage? Dan Rather is handsome and rich and famous. He’s strong and virile. He anchors his own TV show and he travels all over the world on assignments. Thousands of girls dream of him. He’s….
“All that may be true,” said Mrs. Potato, “But everybody knows he’s nothing but a commentator”.


PROFANITY ON A PHONE POLE
At the end of their shift, the telephone company field supervisor called George and Bill, two linemen, into his office.
“Guys, you two were working out on Shady Lane at that 826 pole this afternoon, weren’t you?”
The two repairmen nodded.
“Well, we’ve had a complaint. This lady called the office all upset. She says she heard one of you yelling so much profanity from the top of that pole that you woke her cat! You know that profane language is contrary to Company policy. I want an explanation right now.”
George and Bill shuffled their feet and looked at the floor.
Finally, George spoke up. “Well, it was like this,” he said. “Bill and me was up on the pole. I was up high soldering wires in the transformer box; Bill, he was working just below me on the pole checking the relay switches. You know what a job that is…
“Well, while I was melting solder for the box, a drop of molten solder dripped off the end of my iron. That sizzling drop hit the top of Bill’s hardhat, rolled around like spit on a griddle, kept right on rolling off the edge of his hat, and dropped down his collar and rolled all the way down the middle of his back inside his shirt…And when that happened, Bill he looks up at me and says, “Really, George, you must be more careful with that solder”.


Need A Push _ a joke contributed by Patricia Cowart
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
ÅgDid you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. ItÅfs three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of your self!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the porch swing!" replies the drunk.

Atheist Talks to God – A joke contributed by Rex Jones

An atheist was walking though the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

                 Hearing a rustling in the bushes he turned and saw a seven-foot grizzly charging.

                 He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw the bear was gaining. His heart pumped frantically. He tried to run faster. He tripped on a root and fell on the ground.

                 He saw the bear right on top of him, it’s left paw reaching, it’s right paw raised to strike.

                 At that instance the atheist cried out, “Oh my God!…”

                 Time stopped.

                 The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

A bright light shown on the man and a Voice came from the sky: “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you now? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked into the light. “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now… But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian.”

“Very well,” said the Voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

“Dear Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful”.

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