Friday, August 30, 2013
The following diary entry comes from page 70 of my book A Dirty Old Man Goes To The Dogs (www.bluefishbooks.info); I wrote this on March 1, 2009.
A hunt for missing potholders, the ones with chicken heads, started the silliness.
Someone in this house (I refrain from naming names) in a deep-seated commitment to sharing in household chores, cleaned the kitchen back in October or November last year.
Yesterday that person’s wife began looking for her chicken-headed pot holders—not in the potholder tray, not in the linen closet, not in any kitchen drawers, not in a cupboard.
Where could they be?
I could not remember.
I know they were there. Now, they’re not.
Someone may have moved them someplace else.
I encouraged her to use the lobster pot holders, or the ones with snowmen; but that woman insisted on finding the chicken ones.
Now, a year or two or three ago our dishwashing machine broke down. We’ve never repaired it—too expensive and with only two of us in the house, it’s just as easy to wash dishes by hand.
That wife knowing the way the other person’s brain sometimes works (or doesn’t) said, “I’d better check the dishwasher”..
There she discovered two cutting boards which had gone missing, a tall pillar candle in a glass holder, her two chicken-headed pot holders, and a Christmas present from last year which I’d hidden but forgotten to give her.
Ginny will tease me about that forgotten cache till Judgement Day.
Hey, when I clean the kitchen, I clean the kitchen.
That incident started us on a day of silliness. Like two pre-teen school kids we laughed over inane jokes which would make no sense to anyone else. They were only funny because we were telling them to eachother. We caught a bright emerald grasshopper in the garden and talked about him for 20 minutes; great fun, but we really need to get out more.
Just having fun together for no other reason than we were together.
In the afternoon, after a trip to the library, I discovered something I’ve never known before about this mysterious woman I’ve been married to for 40 years.
As we waited for our lunch to arrive in the restaurant, Ginny scanned some printed pages from her purse. When I asked, she explained that the pages were her four-page checklist of Agatha Christie mystery novels. Ginny said one of her life goals is to read every novel Agatha Christie ever wrote—all 80+ of them as well as over 160 short stories. Ginny has checked off as read about half her Christie reading list.
I never before knew that reading those was one of Ginny’s goals.
Wonder what else she intends?
I’ve never read an Agatha Christie novel. But, I once fell asleep during a Masterpiece Theatre showing of a Miss. Jane Marple mystery; does that count?
It’s good that Ginny and I have so much in common.
But, alas, a dark cloud arises on our horizon:
The taskmaster at Ginny’s office has dispatched her to an out-of-town convention later this month. She tried to get out of it, but can’t because the office considers her indispensable for all activities—except a pay raise.
This will be the first time in about 30 years we’ve been separated overnight.
We both find the prospect traumatic.
We like being together.
We have fun.
No possibility of my going with her, so being a dirty-minded old man I immediately envisioned what might happen—I’ve heard tales about beautiful women at out-of-town conventions.
Hey, even after 40 years of marriage, she’s still a babe.
I told her to be sure to take her pepper-spray to fend off admirers, the horny cads.
Being a Christian husband at peace with the Lord and serenely confident of His daily protection, I also entertained visions of traffic accidents, plane crashes, hotel fires, and even a nuclear attack on one city or the other while she’s gone. I believe you can never be too paranoid
No problem in any of these scenarios.
If we both survive we have a pre-designated contact point in another place.
If only one survives, the other will grieve but carry on.
If neither of us survives, we’ll meet before the throne of God—where she will tell all the assembled saints from time and eternity about me and the stuff in the dishwasher.
While she’s out of town, I plan to clean the kitchen again.