Rabid Fun

John Cowart's Daily Journal: A befuddled ordinary Christian looks for spiritual realities in day to day living.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

A Wild Man In The Swamp

Why should I be the one to apologize?

I didn’t do a thing wrong, did I?

I’m sure I didn’t.

I’m tired of being the one who tries to reconcile things between us. Why can’t she be the one to make the first move sometimes?

When she finally kicks me out, I intend to go into the swamp taking only my pipe, tobacco, matches, a sheet of plastic, a change of clothes, a water bottle, and my net. I’ll catch a fish now and then to eat and I’ll stay out of sight.

I think I remember enough of my scout survivalist training, how to find fresh water, eatable wild plants, etc., to live in the swamp for the remainder of my life. And right now, like Glog, I don’t feel fit for human contact.


No problem.

The only creature on God’s green earth to ever hurt me has always been some other person. There’s no reason to put myself through this kind of pain ever again. I’ll never see or speak to another person ever again.

To withdraw utterly is my solution to any relationship problem.

My mindset is All Or Nothing. I don’t half-way love or hate.

This worldview causes me a lot of anguish.

It’s just that I hurt at the moment.

I seriously doubt that she’ll kick me out; she doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with the way things are. And I doubt if I’d go into the swamp on my own; realistically, I wouldn’t last ten days as a swamp hermit. Too damn soft. I love my creature comforts too much.

Inertia is a saving grace.

Now. Seeing as that’s how I feel, how does being a Christian help?

Isn’t Christ the Prince of Peace?

Doesn’t God help?

Doesn’t He give hope to the hopeless?

Well, right this second, my being a Christian does not help me a bit. My despair over present circumstances clouds any vision of God’s love, any thought of His care.

The mental/emotional trap which entangles me at the moment tempts me to think that while God loves everyone in general, He’s indifferent to John Cowart in particular. That while Christ died for the sins of the world, He did not die for me. That while other people are forgiven, God is disgusted with me and given up on me.

My heart tells me that crap is not true — but it sure FEELS true to me.

So which is more reliable, my feelings or my Bible?

I may win Lotto tonight and my feeling will rocket to elation. Or my numbers may not be drawn and my feelings will trudge on. Feelings fluctuate.

On the other hand, even when I feel like I’ve spent my whole life pissing against a strong wind, what does the Bible still keep saying?

“Beloved, if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart and knoweth all things”.

PS: if any of my kids happen to read this post — bug off. This does not concern you! And, NO, I do not want to talk about it!

Please, visit my website for more www.cowart.info and feel free to look over and buy one of my books www.bluefishbooks.info
posted by John Cowart @ 6:14 AM


At 9:19 PM, Blogger Seeker said...

Never trust your heart.
You know what the Bible says about the heart.
Trust God.

At 9:54 AM, Anonymous Heather said...

I hope you feel better soon, John.


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